The other night I found myself listening to the song I wrote for Michael’s funeral. I haven’t listened to it or played it since that day, and yet it has withstood the test of time. Not all songs do, I’ve written so many that sound good for a week, a month, or three months — but then start sounding like crap. Not this one. It still chokes me up, it still resonates deep within my heart, and the tender simplicity of the structure soars clear and clean over any imperfections of performance.

It is beautiful, and I think, one of the best songs I have ever written.

Why are the poignant moments — the tragedy, the heartache, the despair — the ones that come through with startling clarity? Is it because those are the moments that show us who we really are inside? Because that’s when we find out what we’re truly made of?

Because we know ourselves most intimately when we are climbing over that mountain?

It might be time to write another song. One that tells about the climb, and the triumph at having faced your darkest fear to watch the sun rise again. No, I’m not there yet, but each day brings me closer and little by little, I’m seeing the blackened sky turn to light.


7 thoughts on “Listening, and Where I am Now

  1. ahem, album, ahem.
    I’ve listened to the first song a hundred or so times.
    If you managed, and it would be sooooo tough and maybe draining, an album could be an amazing way to document the journey.

    If anyone could pull that off, it’s you.
    And yes, I excel at finding things that other people could do. 🙂

    1. It would be draining, I think, and likely cathartic at the same time.

      I could see myself doing a three or four song writing session for a short E.P. for it, but I would never want to sell it, the idea makes me ill. Smacks too much of using Michael for my own profit. I have, however, thought about donating “Hole In My Heart” to some type of baby-loss charity to use for raising awareness and resources as they see fit, but even that is pushing it a bit, IMHO. I’d have to find just the *right* place to give it to.

      > >

      1. No doubt. 3-4 songs is probably about what a listener could handle at once, too.

        The $ side of this is so tricky. That’s a difficult deal. Even something freely downloadable can’t hurt, as long as it didn’t bring you financial pain, of course.

        Just rambling an idea around 🙂

      2. Oh recording is not an issue, I’m set up pretty well for that; all my music is self-recorded. I like the artistic control it gives me.

        But you’re right, the money is tricky. Even if I set it up for free download, it would be very awkward if people wanted to donate or something. 😛 I might be talked into a Youtube series, though, as a tribute of sorts….

        > >

      3. Youtube was an idea that I wasn’t sure I should type in.
        That’s something that might hit every mark: it doesn’t (likely) feel like cashing in, it’s easily available, and the people who need it don’t have to worry about expenses. And, of course, like you’ve already thought of, no donation button. Interesting idea!

        I could be wrong, but I think this could be tremendous! Of course, there’s other stuff going on right now, so I don’t want to be the idiot that gets pushy. Well, not real pushy.

  2. I think the hip hop artist Shad said it best ” Music is a great way to heal and a safe place to feel.” I wrote a song for a friend of mine who passed as well and it still catches me off guard when I listen to it. But I take comfort knowing that like those memories, I will always have that song. To pinpoint exactly at the moment how I was feeling and now I am able to realize how much healing has taken place since then. Thank you for sharing a meaningful post.

    1. That’s an excellent quote and very true. I’ve always felt that music had the capability to help me make sense of the tough times. And it is a very, very powerful way to memorialize memories. 🙂 Thank you for stopping by.

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