I recently found out that I am pregnant again.

My mental state is as snarled up as a bundle of yarn that’s been attacked and batted about by an ambitious feline. I’m told that’s normal, especially expected, after a loss such as ours. Because there’s no longer any kind of a “safety net” that allows unadulterated bliss. Because we aren’t out of the woods, not until this child is screaming with its first breath and alive and kicking in my arms.

It’s a little hard to swallow, at times. I hate the terror that creeps in unexpectedly.

Before my first OB appointment, I had very nearly worked myself into a panic. I want this baby So Much, I want to be a mother and I want to share that with my dear husband So Bad, that I could barely even function just thinking of all the ways it could play out. Thankfully, I have an amazing OB, who put the entire rest of our intake appointment on hold to do an ultrasound to ease my fears.

And thankfully, all is well. πŸ™‚

Fears eased, comfort restored, and I am now gliding along a thin but strong thread of peace. In the hours and days after that first appointment, I finally feel free to get excited about this baby. And it’s such a beautiful, wonderful feeling. πŸ™‚ And I am so, so happy that I get another chance, I am so very excited to reach the milestones of first ultrasounds, first movements. I can hardly stand the waiting.

Most days I can tuck fear back into the dark corner of my mind and not think about it. I can “float” across the surface and make it through each day while silently ticking off the weeks. I think, sometimes, I should be angry: angry that my innocence was stolen from me, angry that any joy I feel is deeply tainted with an ice-cold bucket of reality. But I’m not, because every day is a gift. A beautiful, fragile gift.

I do not like feeling the vulnerability, the uncertainty, nor my inability to envision this child alive and well with us at the end of nine months, but I have made it my mission to take each joy as it comes and for the precious thing that it is. Day by day, week by week.

Nine months. Can I really do this?

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21 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions

  1. Congratulations. I know Janis can totally relate to the “mixed emotions” in the upcoming 9 months. Babies are always a miracle . it is a great way to start the new year, along with all you have going on:))

  2. Heather, I am thrilled for you! I know I don’t always comment or know what to say, but I am praying that God surrounds you and this new life, as you take each day one step at a time. What a beautiful gift and promise. Congrats!

  3. Congratulations. What an emotional roller coaster you have been on. I hope this pregnancy, labour and birth is everything you wish and hope for. I hope you are able to relax and enjoy the journey, as nine months is a long time to feel stressed and worried. Believe in yourself, and trust your body.

    1. Thank you. πŸ™‚ Yes, I do believe it is normal (at least that’s what my OB tells me!). Right now I’m not so much anxious as impatient that I have to wait NINE Looooooooong Months until I can hold the little bugger. πŸ™‚ Time cannot fly fast enough!

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      1. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself extra-special “hover-y” when this one finally gets here – researchers have found that women who have experienced multiple miscarriages are that way; I would imagine it is even more so with women who have lost full-term babies.

        But that’s OK – you, more than most, understand what a precious gift a baby is, and you also know how truly fragile life can be.

        And while everything will be bittersweet, both you and your husband will smile and laugh more than you ever thought possible just a few months ago.

        I am so very happy that you will be able to experience the joy of motherhood; all of you will be in our family’s thoughts and prayers.

        If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me (my contact info is either in my gravatar or on my blog home page).

        Can’t wait for you to meet this little one β™₯β™₯β™₯

  4. Congratulations i am soo happy for you, everything is going to be fine. and in 9 months you will have a beautiful little baby to love and teach. My family will be praying for you and yours. congratulations again

  5. Congratulations, to You and James, we wish you the best!!! Our thoughts are with you Michele & Randy

  6. I know how hard this can be. We lost our first, and when I was pregnant with my son, I didn’t even start getting things ready for him until 2 weeks before he was born.

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